The ugly truth....

The fact of the matter is - that right now....I am stressed....very stressed....

I won't go into details....because I am not sure if a troll lurks here or not, and well...I am not ready to go into details just yet.

I have some very large decisions to make in the very near future and really no guidance in the whole thing. And that leads to stress. Lots and Lots of stress....and in my book, stress is BAD!!!

I look at the mom in this picture and I see alot of myself. I see myself torn in so many ways, between so many things. I have the challenge of kids, work, and the never ending quest to not loose me some where in there, ya know - the me - that was there before the creatures took over my body for 9 months at a time....the me that could name hobbies off the top of her head -instead of giving you a blank stare when you mention the word 'hobby.'

I think motherhood has the ability to teach us sooo much - we learn how to multi-task, and we can identify a sickness in a child with a sneeze, a cough, or a simple glassy eyed look. We have the ability to get stains out of almost anything that can be stained......and of course we have eyes in the back of our head. But at what cost? At what cost does this take on our bodies, minds, and souls?

Well the body is obvious - we stretch in ways we never thought we would when we are pregnant - I never knew my LIPS could swell with out having an adverse reaction to something, but they do. And while I may weigh the same - I will never be the same shape - EVER - again.

Our minds...well...I honestly believe that is the first thing that goes when you are pregnant. You lose the ability to correctly identify modern day objects (the word that always escaped me was table- yup- it just wasn't in my vocab). During this pregnancy you realize that you will never ever in your life ever sleep the way you were meant to. You get used to running on short bursts of sleep, and can be fully functioning after only one full sleep cycle.

But being pregnant only prepares you for the times where you are convinced you are losing your mind - when your baby screams non-stop, your toddler gets in that drawer one more time, your pre-schooler asks 'WHY?' one more time, or your older child feels the need to back talk you one more time....yup - all ways designed to make you think you have a reserved room in the loony bin...personally my room doesn't need a veiw, cause when I go, I am gonna do nothing but sleep.

And finally - your soul...who in their right mind would pray to the almighty above 'Dear Lord - I will take the stomach flu 3 times over if you just make sure my kids don't get it!!' WHO?? A mom, that is who. And I am also that mom who uttered after the 3 days of being ill, 'I am so thankful my kids didn't get it worse than they did...and that I had the worst of it.' Yup....your soul....you would sell it to the devil himself if it meant your children didn't have to suffer.

Being a mom is a struggle - it is so easy to lose your sense of self. For when you get together with your friends, or call them on the phone, the first thing out of your mouth usually can be 'How are the kids?' I long for the days when we rushed to talk about the latest book, the latest movie, or the new shoes we just got. But instead we answer questions about ear infections, diapers, teething, and how to get your children to eat something other than chicken nuggets and fish sticks.

Losing the sense of self, I believe, is the hardest part of it all. I long for the days where my name belonged to ME....not my children as John's mom, or Andrew's Mom, or even John's wife. I long for the day when my name was associated with what I accomplished that day or that year. I long for the ability to be just me for a while - and not be someone else's something.....just ME.

The Maiden Voyage

As some of you may know, at the beginning of March, we purchased ourselves a little pop up camper.
To call it new would be a joke...it is a 1993 Jayco - but in great shape. Seriously, it only has one thing that needed repaired and that was a seam on a seat cushion.

We had been debating when we were going to take our first trip. We knew we needed a trial run before the week long vacation we are taking this coming summer.

So - we packed up this past Friday and took her to a local lake and state park about 30 minutes from our home.

When I said packed, I mean stuffed to the gills. I wanted to open up the camper and store the items that would stay in the camper while we were home. Hubbs said no. So we shoved EVERYTHING in the Durango - including the kids and the dog - and set off. We were so stuffed, John IV had to cross his legs in his seat and not move.

On the way there, John IV watched the sky the entire time. He didn't want it to rain. He was begging for it not to rain - really WILLING it not to rain.

Once we got on the site we were allowed to pick our own spot. No one had reservations - so we were pointed in the right direction, given a map, and told to come back and let them know what site we had.
So we got to the site and were stoked it was directly across from the playground and the bath-house. When you have a kid who needs to use the bathroom every 30 minutes when his meds wear off - he was happy to!

We get pulled in and get the most important things unpacked...the kids and the dog. John IV took his brother over to the swings and swung him for at least 30 minutes. Sparky - well - he took a different stand on things....

We have no idea why he felt the need to STAND on the table - but he did. We told him to get down numerous times...but he liked it up there. I can only think that the ground was a bit wet - and he was displeased. He was very anxious, and not sure what was going on.

But he was happy as soon as Andrew and John started eating dinner - and Andrew's 'uh-oh' hot dogs made it to Sparky's dinner plate.

Going to Scales lake was a good choice. As we were coming in, we were surprised by a stampede of mini horses and goats. Literally, they came bursting out of the woods as we were driving by. Apparently, the animals they have in the petting zoo are allowed to run free. Who knew!

After we set up camp, and allowed the children to
play to their hearts content, we convinced them to go on a walk with us. Now we didn't have room for bikes or ride on toys, but we should next time. So John IV had to walk - and heaven forbid - not be carried. We made our way to the petting zoo to see the mini horses, ducks, goats, donkeys, peacocks, chickens and rabbits. To say the animals didn't like Sparky is an understatement. The loathed him. Sparky wanted a taste....


Andrew was very unsure - as he had never seen the animals up close. John IV was sure that no one liked him and the world was out to get him - a very common statement from him these days.



This picture really doesn't do the scene justice. What you are missing are the sound effects from the kid - the high pitched wail of fear coming from around the paci....PACI?? Now many of you know my theory on paci's - they are given at bedtime, at nap time or any time my child goes to the doctor. Andrew was running on a one hour nap - and he normally gets about 4.5 hours of a nap a day. To say he had a short fuse - well that would be correct. What made Andrew even more angry was the way this beast was following him. He was not happy with it at all.....we as parents thought it was priceless....a 1 year old being stalked by a mini - horse....film at 11...

When we got back to the camp site, it was decided that we needed to make a fire. By this time, it had started to sprinkle, but it had been doing that all day.

Since Scales Lake has primative campsites - you are allowed to go gather wood. So we went to gather. Me, being the cheap person I am, couldn't see myself spending $4 on wood when there was perfectly good wood just sitting there...and it wasn't like we had anything else to do, right?
(side note - I just read the rules again - apparently you AREN'T allowed to collect firewood...um....oops...)

It started out as my oldest son being told to go gather wood. He picked up sickly weedy looking sticks and promptly asked if he was done. My husband would get irriated with him, push him into the woods and tell him to go gather logs.

He still didn't seem to get the idea of what he needed, so as hubbs started the fire, John IV and I took off into the woods. I explained what the difference between branches, logs, rotted wood, green wood, and wood that we really wanted. He understood, but got bored quickly. I think he would have been more motivated if I would have had some marshmallows to roast at a later time in the evening. But he did good - we had more than enough wood gathered to have ourselves a fire for roasting hot dogs. The kids were amazingly hungry and wanted hot dogs NOW....so out came the roasting sticks and the hot dogs....

And something I learned - don't ever let your 7 year old roast your hot dog. I took the two he was roasting for his brother and himself, and started to prepare it. When I got my hot dog back - I realized it had been rubbed across the logs....and while I was expecting a nice crispy hot dog, I was not expecting ashes with that first bite. Yea...lets just say that was a one bite meal. I quickly went and got the hamburger to fix burgers for me and hubbs....and was shocked to see my older son eat one as well.

While I was frustrated we couldn't bring bikes and ride on toys due to the space issue, the kids found plenty of things to do. Right past the Durango in this picture is the playground. John IV was there with all the other kids - digging in the sand and playing pirates. Andrew, seemed to have fun with all of the sticks and rocks and the endless possibility to bang them on the table. I should have kept count of how many times we said 'No, we don't eat rocks.' I know he tasted quite a few, even tried to put some in his ears....but hey, it is dirt that makes a strong immune system, right? He was also told at least 100 times that the fire was hot...and to stay away. He did stay away from the fire pit, as he understands the word hot.

The night was winding down for us....you can read that as it was 5:30 and the kids were fed and tired. But the outside world does not stop simply because your kids are tired. We took the kids in the camper and convinced them it was bed time....yea right.

For starters, it was cold. During the day, it was chilly. Not so chilly that your nose is running chilly, but enough for you to wish the sun was out. But with night falling, it was getting pretty cold. But thanks to my wonderful planning, we had a space heater that actually kept us pretty warm that night.

We got the boys changed into PJ's and got Andrew into bed. He was very hard to get to sleep, as this wasn't home, this wasn't his bed and he could hear kids outside playing. But once he laid down with daddy for a minute, he was out.

John IV thought that I had brought the DVD player - and I didn't. He was bummed, but decided to go out and hang out with his dad at the camp fire. All the noise, the traffic in and out, caused Andrew to wake up....

And then the real fun started.

The real fun involved us not knowing that we had taken someone's spot. Remember back at the beginning of the story when the lady told us that there were no reserved spots, what was open, was open. But apparently, there was an un-written rule that we didn't know. That spot 75 was 'Bob's spot.' Well, Bob didn't get there until 7pm. We were there at 1. Sorry Bob.

With us taking that spot, I guess that gave Bob the right to be a total jackass. He would have fit right in with the petting zoo.

Bob preceeded to get REALLY DRUNK. And in getting drunk, he got his friends, all of the campers on the OTHER side of us, to get really drunk to.
He turned his radio very loud - and blared his music for as long as he wanted to.

Now I am sure you are thinking - why didn't any one do anything? Well, people did. People called the conservation officer numerous times. And he came by numersous times. And they would turn it down....until he left. And then Bob would yell and scream and curse and say that he had until 10:59:59 to be as loud as he wanted, as quiet hours went into effect at 11pm.

Now - he is right - quiet hours go into effect at 11pm. HOWEVER, the rule of common sense tells someone that if you are occupying public space together, you are respectful of how your actions effect their space. Bob lacked common sense. Scratch that - Bob did NOT HAVE COMMON SENSE. And Bob was RUDE....plain and simple - RUDE.

The night was filled with us waking many times. Andrew could not sleep due to the noise outside, and he was happy to sit and play peek-a-boo by himself....it was adorable. He would cover his head up, shake his head no a few times, giggle, and pull it off...and do the whole thing over again. He did this for about 45 minutes, while we giggle silently in the dark. One time we woke was due to Andrew falling out of bed....the good thing - it was about 5 after Midnight - and his scream was soooo loud that I am sure it woke Bob next door....hehehehehehehee....

I woke every time someone moved. Much like a boat, when 1 person moves in the camper, the entire camper moves.

The dog did not understand the point of laying still....

Morning came early....John's meds wore off, Andrew woke when John got up to go to the bathroom a few times....and I finally gave in. I got up, walked the dog, and came back to start breakfast. I had the fore-thought to get all the pancake mix together and premeasured....with the help of an electric skillet, we had some of the best home made pancakes this side of the Mississippi.

We were stuck in the camper that morning due to the rain. After a quick peek on the internet (on our phones) we decided to pack it in. We loaded up in the pouring rain and came home....to nice dry digs...with microwaves and couches. Andrew slept most of the morning away.

It was a great first run. We realized everything we forgot, but could do with out on this trip. We are looking forward to being able to go again in a few weeks, hopefully with better weather this time....

And with out further ado - pictures that are just too cute not to post!



Andrew had just seen the playground and was sooo excited. His face says it all!

Andrew and his new skill - Pointing...and asking 'DIS??'

He was playing peek -a- boo with us through the fence. Granted this was the duck pen, and not the horses...for good reason....

We had a great time....and we will have an even better time next time...hopefully with out the rain!

The latest trick...

Our youngest dear son has learned a new trick.....and by the picture you would be right in guessing he has learned to say 'Yes.'

And when I say 'say', I mean he shakes his head so violently that he causes himself to lose balance and fall over. And then he gets mad, and then he bangs his head, and then we laugh...it is actually a never ending cycle.

So now, as parents, it is our rightly duty to use this to our benefit. Meaning, we ask him questions he has no idea he is answering.

For example, 'Andrew, is your dad a dork?' And he bobs his head up and down.

'Andrew, are you gonna buy mommy and daddy the big house on a hill when you make it big?' This always gets us a giggle and a big nod yes.

'Andrew, do you have the best parents in the world?' He will nod so hard he rocks in the chair.

But the big one, the mother of all head nods, would be to the following question....

'Andrew, do you want a cookie?' To that he was shake so violently, that is where the falling over comes in. After the head bang, we are treated to a chorus of 'OOOOOOO-kie! OOOOOOO-kie! OOOOOO-kie!'

I guess everything in life is better with ooooo-kies....

O-O-O It's MAGIC...ya know...

Your singing the song, aren't you??

Andrew had his first Oreo....there are no need for more words....

I have no idea if his shirt will come clean...and frankly, it was worth it.....

What wonderful weather...

Yesterday we took advantage of the weather, busted out the play clothes, side walk chalk, and ride on toys.

John was in his element again - drawing things that were a 'secret surprise - so don't look' in the driveway.

He gladly showed me his scrap o' chalk after he was finished drawing my likeness. He was proud of the fact that he was drawing again, and that he had the ability to destroy inanimant objects with such little effort.

For those who don't know, my son was quite the artist. His paintings line our stairwell and grace some walls upstairs. He used to sit and paint and color for hours.

He now has some books that he has written too. Along the line of 'If you give a Pig a Pancake' book - he has written a book called, 'If you give a snake a piece of cake.' It is very cute, and I am making sure I save it for the future. Hey it may be my retirement!!!

But ever since John started school he never really wants to sit and draw anymore. I do think that it has to do with the fact he has to sit still for so long at school. When he gets home, his imagination is about to explode with Star Wars battles that have been raging in there all day long....thus, his drawing goes to the way side.

Andrew loved the day too. He quickly picked up the chalk and did what his brother did...monkey see, monkey do. That should be his motto these days. But what was most exciting is that he took off. I brought out his riding toy to give him

the chance to strut his stuff...and he did.

He walked the neighbor hood like he owned

the place. Chattering about the going's on

in his world. He told me about many things,

most of which included the words 'Da-da'

'Hot' 'Dog-Dog' 'oof oof' and an over the shoulder

wave bye bye.

I don't know when he grew up so fast. He has grown leaps and bounds lately. His personality has just blossomed into such a unique person. He has traits of both me and my husband. I can totally see him becoming more like my husband. He pushes the envelope on many issues - mostly just getting into the lazy susan or the cabinet under the sink - and does his very best not to get caught. He finds humor in the smallest thing - totally me - and is happy to go to bed - again me! I joke that he will be the kid that makes me go gray - and while it is his personality or the simple fact I am older this time around - he makes me sooooo tired. I never ever thought I would be repeating the phrase numerous times a day 'Stop licking.....' you can end that sentence any way you want. It can end with 'Stop licking the dishwasher' Or 'Stop licking the couch' Or 'Stop licking your brother' Or 'Stop licking the dog' (I WISH I was making that up).

Having my boys so far apart, almost 6 years apart, I thought I was going to avoid some of the things that other parents go through. I did not have two babies in diapers at one time. I did not have two kids in daycare at the same time. I was able to devote time to John - and get through all of his firsts. His first birthday, his first day of Kindergarten, first field trip....lots of firsts....before his baby brother came along.

But like many mom's, I find myself repeating key pharses my baby WISHES he could say....so on behalf of Andrew - I shall repeat them here.

While in the car, John thinks he needs to touch Andrew. He will do his best to get both hands on him - and hold his hand, love on him, blah blah blah....

Andrew - does not see this as an acceptable form expression of affection. So Andrew starts yelling...and I translate

'Stop touching your brother!'

John - in classic true kid form - will respond, 'But I am NOT touching him - I am only touching his car seat.'

Some of the classic Mom-isms I have spouted just in the past hour...

'Leave him alone.'

'GO- Go far away from him and let him be.' (The ironic thing - when I tell John to go play somewhere else - Andrew then calls for him non-stop.) Which is currently happening right now....

So today, back to yucky weather...storms, wind, hail, and possible tornados...yup, spring is right around the corner. I am glad we got out and enjoyed it while we could....It always makes us smile....

The game plan

The past few days have been a blur of no sleep, then LOTS of sleep...

Here is what we know...

This thing in Andrew's neck is what it was a few months back. Back in December, when this nasty ear infection started, I noticed the bump. We were able to get it ultrasounded, and found that it was a congential malformation of the lymph system.
Andrew has had the same ear infection ever since. We are on our 6th round of antibotics.
The ear that is infected is right above this knot on his neck.

So the CT scan revealed that it indeed is ALOT bigger. It has grown from 1.2 mm to 12 mm in diameter.
The radiologist feels that it is definately linked to the infection and once we get the infection under control, it will get better. We have him on some STRONG antibotics and a consult for an ENT in a week. After that, we will watch and wait. And repeat the CT in 6 months.
But he said it WAS NOT a lymph node.
And that makes me breathe easier. As much as I don't want my baby to have surgery, I understand his quality of life will improve greatly.

Update on John IV....we had our endo appointment today and we start more hormones....we should rival a menopausal woman's medicine cabinet with the amount of hormones we have now. He is offically panhypopit - meaning - he has 3 or more missing hormones from his pituitary gland. It was expected...and actually I expect more before this is all over.

Thank you all for your emails, your comments, and your calls. It was no doubt a De Ja Vu moment for me. A life altering moment.
I made all the plea's that night when I went to bed. Vowed to life life, to LISTEN to this wake up call....and we are.
Look for more wonderful things to come from this family.

Oh the wee hours...

Current time 2:55 am.
I have been awake since 1:05 am...and I don't know if I will be able to go back to sleep.

Why?

It all started out as a well baby visit...Andrew had a 15 month check up...and then we were going to get groceries.

But in a flash, everything changed. In an instant - our life went from just a well baby check - the life altering possibilities. I mentioned the increased sleeping - the lack of eating, and the fact he has gained only 4 ounces in the past 6 months. And concern grew.

My husband would have been with me, but he was picking up John for a sick baby visit, 45 mins after the well baby visit.

Andrew still has his ear infection that he has had since Christmas. But what is more alarming, the bumps on his neck - have now spread. They are bigger and more numerous and located everywhere. Which gave us a pass straight to CT. No get out of jail free card, do not pass go, don't even get a snack.

I had a friend meet me at CT...and thank the Lord she could come. It took us and a small army of nurses to hold him down. The CT was done with contrast, so he needed an IV. It took 4 tries.

And they found something, more lesions, everywhere in his neck and head. They didn't scan anything else, just his neck and head. The doc made us wait - to see if we needed to be admitted. She sent us home with a promise to call first thing in the morning, to form a game plan. The words biopsy were mentioned....but honestly it has all run together.

And when looking....all I see are things on cancer....cancer in my one year old....in our freebie...in our kid who should have been nothing more than a trouble maker....

My brain is going 900 miles an hour...hence the early morning post. My tossing and turning was keeping up my hubbs....and one of us has to function...