The ugly truth....

The fact of the matter is - that right now....I am stressed....very stressed....

I won't go into details....because I am not sure if a troll lurks here or not, and well...I am not ready to go into details just yet.

I have some very large decisions to make in the very near future and really no guidance in the whole thing. And that leads to stress. Lots and Lots of stress....and in my book, stress is BAD!!!

I look at the mom in this picture and I see alot of myself. I see myself torn in so many ways, between so many things. I have the challenge of kids, work, and the never ending quest to not loose me some where in there, ya know - the me - that was there before the creatures took over my body for 9 months at a time....the me that could name hobbies off the top of her head -instead of giving you a blank stare when you mention the word 'hobby.'

I think motherhood has the ability to teach us sooo much - we learn how to multi-task, and we can identify a sickness in a child with a sneeze, a cough, or a simple glassy eyed look. We have the ability to get stains out of almost anything that can be stained......and of course we have eyes in the back of our head. But at what cost? At what cost does this take on our bodies, minds, and souls?

Well the body is obvious - we stretch in ways we never thought we would when we are pregnant - I never knew my LIPS could swell with out having an adverse reaction to something, but they do. And while I may weigh the same - I will never be the same shape - EVER - again.

Our minds...well...I honestly believe that is the first thing that goes when you are pregnant. You lose the ability to correctly identify modern day objects (the word that always escaped me was table- yup- it just wasn't in my vocab). During this pregnancy you realize that you will never ever in your life ever sleep the way you were meant to. You get used to running on short bursts of sleep, and can be fully functioning after only one full sleep cycle.

But being pregnant only prepares you for the times where you are convinced you are losing your mind - when your baby screams non-stop, your toddler gets in that drawer one more time, your pre-schooler asks 'WHY?' one more time, or your older child feels the need to back talk you one more time....yup - all ways designed to make you think you have a reserved room in the loony bin...personally my room doesn't need a veiw, cause when I go, I am gonna do nothing but sleep.

And finally - your soul...who in their right mind would pray to the almighty above 'Dear Lord - I will take the stomach flu 3 times over if you just make sure my kids don't get it!!' WHO?? A mom, that is who. And I am also that mom who uttered after the 3 days of being ill, 'I am so thankful my kids didn't get it worse than they did...and that I had the worst of it.' Yup....your soul....you would sell it to the devil himself if it meant your children didn't have to suffer.

Being a mom is a struggle - it is so easy to lose your sense of self. For when you get together with your friends, or call them on the phone, the first thing out of your mouth usually can be 'How are the kids?' I long for the days when we rushed to talk about the latest book, the latest movie, or the new shoes we just got. But instead we answer questions about ear infections, diapers, teething, and how to get your children to eat something other than chicken nuggets and fish sticks.

Losing the sense of self, I believe, is the hardest part of it all. I long for the days where my name belonged to ME....not my children as John's mom, or Andrew's Mom, or even John's wife. I long for the day when my name was associated with what I accomplished that day or that year. I long for the ability to be just me for a while - and not be someone else's something.....just ME.